Friends

Truly difficult for me. But I guess it’s the best choice moving forward.. I cried a ton during our video call but he seemed unaffected..

I guess he really have moved on. He said he doesnt love her but he likes her. I asked if I still matter to him and he said yes. I asked if he still loves me as much as he did before or lesser and he said he doesnt know.

Wtf even is that answer?? Is he trying to make me feel better by saying he doesnt know instead of no he doesnt love me anymore??

Je ne sais pas man. My heart still hurts. It’s been 4 days since Wednesday. And I know he spent the night at her place again like he always does.. My mind still goes crazy wondering if he enjoys his time much more with her than with me.. Does he share all the little details of his life with her rather than with me?

Does he talk about his family to him or the content of his therapy when he doesnt even tell me that.. Does he fall asleep when they watch tv because he’s so comfortable with her already..

2 years all erased within 4 months. He’s forgetting everything that happened between us. He no longer asks how’s my day even if I don’t share. He doesn’t text me if I don’t text first.

It’s tiring because even as friends, I do want him to initiate conversations first. And I’m terrified that if I stopped talking to him, he’s not going to talk to me because he said he wasn’t. But how do I even talk to him first knowing he just spent the night with her on her bed, snuggling close and feeling each other’s warmth? There’s nothing I can ask. Even if i do, he’s not going to tell me anyway so what’s the point?

I think about how he’s gonna send her to the airport, cry when she leaves for Japan for 3 mths and then call her everyday telling her he misses her. Things he used to do with me.. And she returns back and he goes and pick her up, plant kisses on her lips and gives her tight hugs..

And if say covid dies down in dec and I wanna go over.. what happens? Will I feel more alone than I already am even tho I could see him but he would be spending xmas with her. Possibly bringing her home to meet the fam too..

And it won’t be a non-permanent thing anymore. It will be a full on r/s with commitment and shit. Wtf I can’t even comprehend how it can be non-permanent but they’d be in a r/s??

My heart truly hurts.. Somebody tell me how do I get out of this mess? Please.