Love hurts

Sooooo guess what people reading this?

I got attached to the boy that I was afraid who would never notice me! Woohoo.

But as the title suggests, love hurts. It has been really painful when it shouldn’t be.

I’m not sure whether it’s because of my expectations or that it’s because it’s his first relationship? As a matter of fact, I’m the first girl he’s dated and now together with.

While that would perhaps be an ‘awww’ factor which I used to think to myself, I cannot help but wonder now whether we’re able to last. It’s so exhausting to hope that he will do stuff like other boyfriends would and when he doesnt, my hopes come crashing down and I’ll be extremely upset.

So.. The logical thing to do is to talk to him about it right? Of course I’ll be more than willing to but how do I do it without being emotional and be objective and at the same time make sure he doesn’t feel guilty about how’s he been treating me?

I really don’t know. I’ve been disappointed way too many times and end up crying myself to sleep the past few days. All these while, he doesn’t know a single thing about it. It’s so painful. It really is. I like him alot but I can’t possibly teach him every single thing about being a boyfriend can I? 

He has to learn it on his own somehow and if he isn’t sure then he can ask. But the problem is, he doesn’t. I would like to think he’s trying his best but I really don’t feel so. Which hurts and stinks.

I guess I’ll see how it goes. I hope that by the 3rd month, things will change for the better. If not then, it’s really time to reconsider whether he’s really the one.

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Old scars

I don’t know why you always have that effect on me.

Why do you always make me think about all the good times we shared and how you were so nice to me and I took you for granted which made you leave.

And c’mon it’s been at least 3 years now and yet I still have no freaking idea how to put you down. How to put you in the past where you belong. How to stop thinking about you basically.

I find myself just letting other boys know about your existence. Bout how nice you were but at the same time your crazy side. But how I miss that. I haven’t met another boy whom treated me as well as you did. 

How you changed my life, my personality, my actions and my thoughts. You had such a strong influence on my life that it has been so hard to let you go. 

Yet, you probably have forgotten about me. About us. About what we used to do. I can’t help but feel sad. Like if we were to walk pass each other on the streets, we would be complete strangers. I would have to hold back the urge to welcome you with open arms. 

Old scars start to resurface whenever I mention about you. The scabs on my heart were picked on that it hurt as it bled internally. It’s so painful to watch you with another girl. A younger girl, our junior. 

Like how did that even happen? 

I miss us. I really do. Despite all the shit we’ve been through, how you made me cry before I go to bed every night, I would probably give everything to go back in time and change things.

Perhaps give us a chance. A chance to be in a r/s despite our racial differences. Cause boy, I never stopped loving you after all these years.

But these old scars gotta go. They got to start fading. To be buried deep under the new skin cells that generated. 

But scars are scars. No matter how long time has pass, it will always be there. It’s just a matter of whether we are able to conceal it better than others or not.

Tired of trying

I really feel like I should just give you up.

I mean like I have always been the one chasing other boys and it always didn’t work out -> Either friendzoned/sisterzoned idk which is worse..

You’re really smart. Really easy to talk to. Big and strong yet feels approachable. You’re just perfect. In my eyes at least. So is this what they term as “out of your league” ? 

It’s just really confusing. On one hand, I feel like I’m ready to settle down. On the other, I feel like I’ve got all the time in the world. After all, I’ll only be 20 this year. But I’m not feeling it from you.

Today I saw you sharing a ear piece with another girl and a chord struck in me. Like oh my, maybe she likes you too. She’s smart too and probably is able to hold an intelligent conversation with you.

But me ? No. I dont ever think I can hold a proper intelligent conversation with you about world politics or what not. Is this the difference between elite and neighbourhood schools?

Nah, I’m stereotyping. It’s just me who’s too lazy to go and upgrade myself. Hah double standards. There I was telling my best friend to grow up and here I am not trying to. 

During dinner, you were playing with your phone. You weren’t texting but instead playing a mind stimulating puzzle game. And just within minutes you solved it. That would probably take me like what? A few hours? And again, the difference between us.

I’m just really afraid to know the outcome. To perhaps stop trying and then only to find out that you liked me before too. Like you asked “how do you classify our r/s now” and I said “good friends” which was probably a bad move cause I just stabbed myself right there. It hurt somehow. 

Like my paragraphs which doesnt really flow, my thoughts play out the same way as well. Just confused and tired. Like why cant guys just be honest about how they feel. Or quicken their pace? Like c’mon, we’re all 20 21 and 22. We are like almost adults/are already adults. Cant we just act like one with regards to our feelings? 

Why can’t we just be honest with one another? Why? 

I get that people are afraid but c’mon people, it’s just rejection. It’s just a No. Sure it’ll hurt but you grow in the process, you become stronger. And there’s this thing called time and there’s the phrase “time heals” SO JUST DO IT!

At this point, people would probably be like asking me, then why not you confess to him? And again double standards, maybe I’m just infatuated with him and it’s not like I really like him. Also at the same time, I’m scared. Like all other people. 

But perhaps I’ll do it. Like when we are going to graduate from our hostel. At least I wouldn’t be here next year if things didn’t turn out well. Save us all the embarrassment 🙂

Also, because I’m upset, I’m just not going to text him for the next couple of days. But I doubt there will be any difference cause well, knowing him, he wouldn’t initiate the convo first. So I guess there’s that.

I’m just really tired of trying.

Inner strength to finally let go

Thank you for being the one who taught me how to stand up on my own 2 feet when the world deserts me.

Thank you for being the one who taught me how to live my own life.

Thank you for being the one who taught me to lower my expectations. 

Thank you for being the one who was still by my side even though you wanted me to be independent.

But most importantly, thank you for being the one who constantly broke my heart and taught me to be strong.

Our journey these 2 years wasn’t easy. There were alot of fights and arguments along the way over commitment issues and how I felt like you could do more. But they were all eventually resolved the moment you said “I love you”. I never thought I would ever have the chance to hear you say that to me because you were also so closed up, unwilling to let anybody in, to let anybody come close. But yet, you decided to open up your heart to me which I am really honoured and thankful for.

You gave me 2 years of something that I hope I would never have to go through again because it was 2 years of just pure dating. Of course we both know that that’s not true. We were in a way, friends with benefits but thank you for respecting me. While the 2 years have been relatively great, I really would not want to go through it again with another guy, to be stuck in a r/s limbo.

But I guess, we both finally came to a consensus on how we should end this amicably. We met up again and I think we both felt that something changed. We were no longer feeling as much towards each other than before. We were going back to the time when we were just friends which I hope will really work out.

So thank you. For the times you rained on my parade and in the process taught me how to be a stronger girl, a stronger woman. To have the strength and courage to leave and begin life anew.

Like you said, we were kinda lucky to have our honeymoon period for as long as 2 years. Perhaps it was cause we weren’t official and hence didn’t feel the need to commit to each other. But yet, we were still exclusive. It was ultimately a rather interesting experience. So thank you J.

Thank you for giving me the inner strength to finally let go.

Reminder: Don’t be too quick to fall in love

Something struck me today as I noticed how perhaps other girls may actually be interested in the same guy that I am even though he is just an average joe.

It kinda got me thinking of how I am always quick to love but take forever to heal when it falls through. Like why do I even do this to myself?

Is it time to take a step back and just slid back into the background? Especially since Valentine’s day is coming soon and I’ve got no date to speak of :>

It’s actually nice to have that warm, fuzzy feeling of loving/liking someone since I have been in this stasis relationship thing (we are not even officially together, just continuously dated for 2 years) that kinda makes everything around me stand still. Perhaps it’s cause I have been with the same person for so long without any progress that any feelings just evaporated into thin air. Occasionally, but rarely do I get that sudden jolt of electricity through my heart. That anxious feeling of a boy whom you have a crush on returning your text after a long day.

But now, it seems like it’s coming back. He’s really cute. Big guy but the way he texts can be quite adorable. Like I unlock my lock-screen hoping to see his name pop up or even start a convo first. Haha, still this little girl mindset of how a guy will text you first if he cares/thinks of you.

My mind just can’t stop thinking about him. Or how I look forward to having our meals together and think of shit to talk about. I get shy when I have to talk to him in a social setting when another of my friend is around. Like oh gosh, I should have passed that phase a long time ago but nope :> 20 and still feeling this way.

But as much as I would like my feelings to be reciprocated, it’s not really easy to handle the potential heart-break of it. Especially since this boy is an evergreen. How will he deal if a girl who he has always seen as his friend suddenly have feelings for him? Which kinda makes me even more afraid because what if I fall too deep only to realise that he has never see me more than a friend or worse, a sister? That typical case of being friend-zoned/sister-zoned which kinda happened to me a million times.

So what now? I ask myself a million times.

Don’t be too quick to fall in love. I remind myself a trillion times.

Does true love exist? I hope so.

Will I be able to continue this non-existent relationship and perhaps stay as friends? This I probably can do. But there’ll always be a part of me that wishes to be given a chance.

So.. I really must make a mental note of how to restrain my feelings for this guy before everything gets out of hand because I was too quick to fall in love.

Will you ever notice me?

As much as I would like to say yes, I have to go with a No.

Often times, we wish that our crush would notice us and maybe like slowly fall in love with us or something. But what if that crush started out as being friends? And then you slowly fall in love with him/her? Then what?

Do you risk your friendship and confess or just keep mum and never make your feelings known? 

I feel that over the years since secondary school and stuff, I have been really honest with my feelings. Of course, I would still test the waters and see if that guy actually likes me or not. Which was what I did to my best friend. 

Kinda confessed and things got pretty ugly. Actually it was more of like he asked me whether I had feelings for him and I said yes and typed a whole chunk justifying myself and hopefully he doesn’t leave.

Thankfully, he didn’t. But he was so serious about it, it kinda scared me. I was so afraid that I would lose my best friend. Like the first cause I didnt reciprocate his feelings and the current one cause I was infatuated with him and decided to be a risk taker. 

Things got a little awkward after that I guess but now we’re fine. Cause we both realised it was just an infatuation. Like I fell in love with the idea of him. He was always so nice to me, listening etc. Although he sucks at making time to meet me 😑 He was like this then, he still is like this now. Omg.

So as I was saying, what if we started out as friends? Somehow I started feeling feelings for this guy whom I thought was impossible. But over a period of time, I think it was due to his cheekiness, I kinda developed feelings for him. Oh lord o’mighty. He’s cute in his own ways and really passionate bout the sport he’s playing. He’s not very tall but he has his own charisma. But he swears a lot and he smokes. 

I don’t know. I didn’t even realise he actually smokes cause he doesn’t have the smell on him. But that doesnt change the fact that he smokes. After all, he does have a packet of cigarettes in his pocket. 

He’s 2 years older than I am. Not perfect but likeable after a period of time. I always find myself wanting to see him/hoping to see him. But doesn’t really happen. He gives off mix signals as well which can kinda be confusing like duh. So I also can’t tell whether he may like me or not. Which is risky if I decide to make my feelings known. 

And even so, we don’t really have any common topic to talk about. I can’t even start to text him because I have nothing to say to him. I can’t possibly be like “hey, whatcha doing?” Like it’s so freaking random?? 

I’m pretty sure he’s not dumb and he can sense it unlike most guys who are just clueless when a girl likes him. (Why are guys so oblivious?!)

I really hope that maybe we can work something out. Like someday he’ll notice me not as just a friend but as something else.

Will I ever be adequate enough?

Somehow I just feel inadequate enough. Like ok, I can do many things like play a little tennis, play a little violin, sing a little, draw a little but I just can’t master them to the fullest of my capabilities. Like they say “jack of all trades but master of none”. I’m not a very intelligent person as well. Or rather I would like to term myself as ignorant. Forever stuck in my little bubble, refusing to go learn bout the other worlds. If you ask me about American politics right now, the only thing I can tell you is that Donald Trump’s the president and he’s doing a shitty job. How? I can’t explain..

So I look around and I see so many amazing people. Many who are extremely good in their field. In language, in math, in science, in sports, in music, in drama etc etc. And I look at myself and feel that why cant I be like them? To be so good in something that people actually look up to me. That I don’t have to feel inferior and start degrading myself before other people can.

Or is it just me? Is it just me who’s thinking that the world is against me because I’m not good enough in something? That the world is going to judge me cause I never do anything right? It’s so stressful whenever I go for tennis training and all my teammates can play so well and I just feel like a burden. Even more so when I have to play doubles. So I have a match tomorrow as part of the intercollege games. And I’m playing doubles. My partner hasnt been coming for training but she’s not bad. And I’m just really afraid that I can’t serve well or that I’ll miss a shot because we didn’t communicate in time. Like what if I’m the one who causes our college to be last? That’ll be embarrassing wouldn’t it?

So what now? How am I going to get over my psychological fear and do the best I can? I’m just so conflicted because all eyes would be on me when it’s my turn to do anything. To sing, to play the violin, to play the match of tennis, to speak in public. I love to shine in public but I just can’t seem to do it well. It’s so terrifying and upsetting 😥

And I really can’t find someone whom I trust enough and probably understand me enough to feel what I’m going through. So the effect is multiplied like a gazillion times. 

I really hope I’ll be able to find my true calling soon though. To be good in something that I can be proud of myself and tell other people when they ask rather than to defend myself and say “oh no la, I’m playing because I was forced to and they didn’t have enough people” when in fact I was actually quite glad to be part of the team.

So yes. May the odds be in the favour of those who feel the same way.