Tired of trying

I really feel like I should just give you up.

I mean like I have always been the one chasing other boys and it always didn’t work out -> Either friendzoned/sisterzoned idk which is worse..

You’re really smart. Really easy to talk to. Big and strong yet feels approachable. You’re just perfect. In my eyes at least. So is this what they term as “out of your league” ? 

It’s just really confusing. On one hand, I feel like I’m ready to settle down. On the other, I feel like I’ve got all the time in the world. After all, I’ll only be 20 this year. But I’m not feeling it from you.

Today I saw you sharing a ear piece with another girl and a chord struck in me. Like oh my, maybe she likes you too. She’s smart too and probably is able to hold an intelligent conversation with you.

But me ? No. I dont ever think I can hold a proper intelligent conversation with you about world politics or what not. Is this the difference between elite and neighbourhood schools?

Nah, I’m stereotyping. It’s just me who’s too lazy to go and upgrade myself. Hah double standards. There I was telling my best friend to grow up and here I am not trying to. 

During dinner, you were playing with your phone. You weren’t texting but instead playing a mind stimulating puzzle game. And just within minutes you solved it. That would probably take me like what? A few hours? And again, the difference between us.

I’m just really afraid to know the outcome. To perhaps stop trying and then only to find out that you liked me before too. Like you asked “how do you classify our r/s now” and I said “good friends” which was probably a bad move cause I just stabbed myself right there. It hurt somehow. 

Like my paragraphs which doesnt really flow, my thoughts play out the same way as well. Just confused and tired. Like why cant guys just be honest about how they feel. Or quicken their pace? Like c’mon, we’re all 20 21 and 22. We are like almost adults/are already adults. Cant we just act like one with regards to our feelings? 

Why can’t we just be honest with one another? Why? 

I get that people are afraid but c’mon people, it’s just rejection. It’s just a No. Sure it’ll hurt but you grow in the process, you become stronger. And there’s this thing called time and there’s the phrase “time heals” SO JUST DO IT!

At this point, people would probably be like asking me, then why not you confess to him? And again double standards, maybe I’m just infatuated with him and it’s not like I really like him. Also at the same time, I’m scared. Like all other people. 

But perhaps I’ll do it. Like when we are going to graduate from our hostel. At least I wouldn’t be here next year if things didn’t turn out well. Save us all the embarrassment 🙂

Also, because I’m upset, I’m just not going to text him for the next couple of days. But I doubt there will be any difference cause well, knowing him, he wouldn’t initiate the convo first. So I guess there’s that.

I’m just really tired of trying.

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