Will I ever be adequate enough?

Somehow I just feel inadequate enough. Like ok, I can do many things like play a little tennis, play a little violin, sing a little, draw a little but I just can’t master them to the fullest of my capabilities. Like they say “jack of all trades but master of none”. I’m not a very intelligent person as well. Or rather I would like to term myself as ignorant. Forever stuck in my little bubble, refusing to go learn bout the other worlds. If you ask me about American politics right now, the only thing I can tell you is that Donald Trump’s the president and he’s doing a shitty job. How? I can’t explain..

So I look around and I see so many amazing people. Many who are extremely good in their field. In language, in math, in science, in sports, in music, in drama etc etc. And I look at myself and feel that why cant I be like them? To be so good in something that people actually look up to me. That I don’t have to feel inferior and start degrading myself before other people can.

Or is it just me? Is it just me who’s thinking that the world is against me because I’m not good enough in something? That the world is going to judge me cause I never do anything right? It’s so stressful whenever I go for tennis training and all my teammates can play so well and I just feel like a burden. Even more so when I have to play doubles. So I have a match tomorrow as part of the intercollege games. And I’m playing doubles. My partner hasnt been coming for training but she’s not bad. And I’m just really afraid that I can’t serve well or that I’ll miss a shot because we didn’t communicate in time. Like what if I’m the one who causes our college to be last? That’ll be embarrassing wouldn’t it?

So what now? How am I going to get over my psychological fear and do the best I can? I’m just so conflicted because all eyes would be on me when it’s my turn to do anything. To sing, to play the violin, to play the match of tennis, to speak in public. I love to shine in public but I just can’t seem to do it well. It’s so terrifying and upsetting 😥

And I really can’t find someone whom I trust enough and probably understand me enough to feel what I’m going through. So the effect is multiplied like a gazillion times. 

I really hope I’ll be able to find my true calling soon though. To be good in something that I can be proud of myself and tell other people when they ask rather than to defend myself and say “oh no la, I’m playing because I was forced to and they didn’t have enough people” when in fact I was actually quite glad to be part of the team.

So yes. May the odds be in the favour of those who feel the same way.

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