Dependency or Love?

We go a long way back now. 

I didn’t actually notice you at all nor I think you did me too. And yet, our paths crossed and we fell in love. Or at least I think I did.

Our first kiss happened so unnaturally. As my first time, I did not know what to expect or how to do it. Watching television shows or videos sorta prepared me for it. But honestly, when it happened, my heart didn’t skip a beat. 

I questioned myself over and over again. Do I actually like you or the idea of you. They say that your first kiss is supposed to feel magical, like you’re floating on air. But for me.. I felt nothing.

Years gone by, I still kept this to myself. Afraid to tell you. Afraid that you would leave. Although right from the beginning you told me I should never find love in you. I still did anyway. 

Perhaps you were right to put an end to this 3 years ago but stubborn me refused to give in. I fell into the typical category of girls who fall for the broken-hearted men so that she could fix him. 

We had our ups and downs. And time and again, I genuinely thought I could change your mind. Change your thinking. Change you. And time and again, I get disappointed. You’re never going to change. Not for me, not for anybody else. I was foolish to believe so.

You woke me up by giving me a mental slap across my face. Reminding me that I should stay away from you. But how could I when you’ve rooted yourself into my heart. Into my daily life. Even if I didn’t love you in the beginning, I slowly started to.

Or is this dependency…?

My dependency on you to fill the void in my heart. My dependency on you to shower me with attention and kisses because no other guys did. My dependency on you as a back up plan although really.. You can’t be my back up plan at all. 

What should I do? Am I ready to let go? I feel that without you, I could probably start to move on but that mental slap hurt so badly that I convinced myself again that I can’t do it. 

So give me a sign.. Give me the strength to walk away and never turn back again. 

I love you and I always will. But it’s time to end this.

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